12/25/2020 0 Comments
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do without you. Every time I remember a time you were here, I can't stop thinking about how you left without saying goodbye. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. Why didn't I just drive to where you were and calmed you down? How could I have imagined a future without you and thought to myself, "it'll be ok?" Hadn't I ever promised to keep you safe forever? What was I tired from? Taking pictures of myself and looking in the mirror to see the handsome demon I was becoming? How did we delude ourselves into thinking you were alright? How did we let you go off by yourself? What the fuck were we thinking, please, I'm sorry. This is all so meaningless, and I'm finally starting to wake up to how horrible the world is. You saw too much of it when you were too small. You didn't get to grow up. You didn't get to see the world. You never found love. You were a kid. We gave up on you. Who can blame you for what you did? Maybe if I had called you when you were in the hospital; maybe if I had comforted you when you broke down to me; maybe if I had said something after you told me you were never the same person after isolation. Maybe if I hadn't abandoned you for Santa Barbara, or Washington D.C., or Los Angeles. You were still here when I was in Pacifica. I could have gone to visit you every weekend, and instead, I acted like I was the only thing in the world that mattered. The only times I saw you were nightmares and I was a pain or a bitch or a mess or a cop. I made no sense, and you were probably just left wondering what was wrong with me. Now I'm the one wondering what was wrong with me. You deserved somebody better to watch over you. Somebody who would have done the hard but right thing and protected you when you were literally screaming for help. Couldn't I remember in that moment who you were to me? Couldn't I remember the only times I was happy were when I was with you? How could I have had so little self-awareness not to realize you were the only person who mattered? How you were the best person I knew? How you were the only person who understood me? Who liked what I did? Who would go anywhere, see anything, judge nothing? Couldn't I see how much you meant? Why was I so delusional to think everything would be fine even if I did nothing to help? Not lift a finger. Everybody failed you, but especially me. I can't imagine a more meaningless or wretched life than the one I'll have to live without you. Just can't imagine feeling happy if you're gone. Maybe all that's left of this life is regret and guilt that I couldn't protect you. I wish I had been stronger and reached out to save you.
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